Choice 1
Live the Rest of Your Life as a Panda-like Centaur
Things to consider:
-From the belly down, you are a panda.
-Your body is more tolerant of typical panda food (bamboo), and less tolerant of typical human food.
-You're able to eat what you normally do, but it may give you stomach aches, so you'll proabably want to alter your diet.
-This occurs in the world as we know it, so you will be the only one of your kind.
-You will be viewed as either a miracle, or as an abomination of nature, depending on who you talk to.
-It is very likely that you will be tested regularly.
-You have the ability to mate and produce offspring with both pandas and humans.
-The offspring will be panda centaurs.
-Since you are half-panda though, you just may not feel like mating.
-You will not be able to drive a car legally.
-You have the same human language capabilities that you have now, and improved understading of how pandas communicate. However, you aren't able to communicate as well as a real panda.
-As time goes on, you begin to feel less aligned with humans, and more animalistic.
-People who see you as an abomination of nature may want to harm you.
Choice 2
Erect a 40ft. Fountain Depicting Yourself Butt-Fucking Jesus
Things to consider:
-There must always be a 40ft. tall fountain that depicts yourself butt-fucking Jesus.
-This is the Jesus from the bible...there are no exceptions or loopholes here. If you cannot tell that it's Jesus, then it will not count.
-You must live with the fountain on a 1 acre plot of land in Mississippi, Alabama, or Texas.
-You may want to have multiple fountains working at the same time just in case one is damaged. That is okay, but only the one you live with counts at the time.
-You will be portrayed as powerful and god-like.
-Jesus will be portrayed as scared, and weak. (He might be crying)
-The fountain must show penetration.
-If you are a guy uncomfortable with the size of your penis, it can be altered to match your requests.
-For girls, the fountain can depict you butt-fucking Jesus with either a strap-on dildo, or with a penis.
-There must be an informational plaque at the base of the fountain that gives the title of the fountatin (Butt-fucking Jesus Christ), your name, and the date the fountain was erected.
-How the fountain is made is unimportant.
-If the fountain is defaced, you have one week to clean it.
-The fountain must be working.
-The fountain must be outside, and cannot have anything within 50 yards on any side of it, and anything outside of that cannot be used to intentionally obstruct the view.
-If Christians saw the fountain, they would become very upset, and may try to destroy the statue, or harm you.
-If many people see it, there will be a group that forms and believes you to be one of the most revolutionary and purposeful artists of our time. They will try to protect you from the Christians.
-If there is not at least one fountain erected at all times within a year from now, you will die by accidentaly lighting yourself on fire.
Please vote, then comment on the blog about why you voted the way you did.
(anyone is allowed to comment...you can even comment anonymously)
5 comments:
Chris, I gotta go with panda-like centaur. You know how I am, I'd be a complete mess stressing out about the Jesus statue. I think I'd have to throw away a lot of my human dreams and goals, but overall I think I would live more at peace. Perhaps I could work at a zoo and figure out why my hemi-brethren don't dig the mating.
Yeah...that seems like the best option with the panda one.
I'm still undecided, but I think I'm leaning a little closer towards butt-fucking Jesus. Basically, my plan would be to create more than just that fountain so that it was less shocking. I'd definitely create one of Jesus butt-fucking me...then probably ones with some other gods...so that it seems more like a series, and people wouldn't be as upset about the one. Maybe I'd put a gate around it and charge admission...I'm just not sure yet. I'll probably vote by tomorrow.
Chris, should life be about choosing the easier path?? In some instances, yes, definitely. However, in this situation, I think becoming a Panda-like Centaur is a much more interesting choice...and I am too much a believer of "Yes, Jesus Loves Me"--but not in THAT way--to go with the other option. So, how would my husband react? Well, he is on the board of The Ethnic Support Council & he did come up with the slogan for the anti-hate campaign last year "We embrace diversity". I guess we would see just how literally he would be willing to take that philosophy. It did specify that the Panda-like Centaur could mate with both humans & pandas so an intimate relationship with him would not be prohibited.
Of course, it would be challenging to adapt various activities of daily living such as you mentioned, but I'm thinking with the books, the guest shots on Oprah, Leno, et al, the reality TV show (now that the Gosselins are history there'll be a slot open) the inevitable movie...it could be very lucrative and would more than pay for any remodeling, etc. I would probably need to travel in a modified horse trailer, but one must make some sacrifices for celebrity, eh? Obviously, I would be far too busy to continue working as a nurse so I wouldn't need to test the Americans with Disabilities Act (as am American Panda-like Centaur, I think I would still be protected even if I am not human....I could afford some pretty good attorneys to find out!!)
Marlene,
Both options have the potential for fame, and guest spots on Oprah. I will admit that probably only the panda situation provides you with the opportunity for a reality show. That does bring in the whole other idea of do you really want cameras following you all the time chronicling what many would perceive to be an relationship outside of their species? I'm sure a good number of people would become very upset over that fact, and may try to harm you. I guess if it's all about the fame, then you have to decide whether or not you want your fame to be a result of being a controversial artist (Butt-fuck Jesus) or a freak show (Panda-like Centaur).
I should note that I'm just playing the devil's advocate here, and the way I'm coloring these ideas may not actually represent my views. I still haven't voted. That does not make the concerns any less relevant though.
...Quite honestly, I can't imagine life in a fishbowl. I've spent my whole "real" life trying to fly under the radar and stepping into the glare of a reality show or Oprah would certainly be out of character, but in the spirit of "would you rather", I liked it!Now, if I were given the choice of being a recluse celebrity like JD Salinger or the P-L-C, I'm pretty sure which way I'd go.
Would the notoriety and the money be worth the tradeoff of privacy and the comfort zone of being human? Probably not, even though the Panda-like Centaur (I think such a creature is deserving of caps)sounds pretty darned cool.
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